With each step, I've always had ambition, but now even hope fails me. First was my Coast Guard career; second, satellite engineering; and third a dot-com start up. Now, I write code for the Senate in a small IT shop
But as I reflect deeper, I see, despite accomplishments in each of these endeavors, deep rooted loneliness. I screened for command after my first afloat tour, yet those early days on ship were torturous. After graduate school, with the support of CAPT Cook, I could not have asked a better opportunity then to be KO for the Surface Search Radar Project. But after acquiring these core competencies, I resigned my commission.
At Loral, professionally, I thrived both as product manager and software engineer in the complex arena of geostationary satellites. Yet, internally, I yearned for something else and decided to start my own company.
With each step, despite some emptiness, mine was the dream of great accomplishment. But that ceased with the bureaucracy of state government. My years in state government, now the lion's share of my career, seems insignificant; yet to some degree I discovered something I enjoy -- writing code.
It is this ambiguity, questioning the meaning of a career, as in Author Miller's "Death of a Saleman".
Yet, by the end of the weekend I had a great night at the cabin and hiking with Elias, then a relaxing day at the Whole Earth Festival listening to music and drum circles with MaeMae.
The mind is a twisted web of deceit and distortions, designed to protect the fragile ego soul. Unraveling this onion, one finds the illusive sense of purpose.
