The Summer that Wasn't And the Future that Will Be

As I now gather my thoughts, I reflect on the great summer that wasn't.   It was the missing summer, because at the time, I was preoccupied with the shock of cancer.  But now, with a rising sense that those burdens have been lifted, I can remember the summer that wasn't.   Caleb return to the Coast Guard for his internship, while Philip excel at my office -- completing multiple web applications in only two months.  We had a wonderful family reunion cruise and many days at the cabin.  

I feel I have reached a happy balance with my career.   While it is not the most exciting or advance technology, I enjoy a small shop to lead projects, write code, and exploring computer science in a not overly pressured environment.   In cabin weekends, I feel renewed and ready for the next week.  

Most recently, I saw an MIT video of one our America's young innovators about storing green energy in compressed air batteries.  Watching the segment and following up on their website, I could not image how compressed air could store electrical potential (i.e. a Duracell Battery).  Then, Philip chimed in and clarified that the compressed air is the potential energy.  The light bulb went off in my head, as Philip explained the relationship between Pressure, Volume, and Temperature -how water is cooling the temperature and improving efficiency the thesis of the research.   While my intellectual facilities are limited, I appreciate these futuristic conversations that my sons now challenge and teach me.   

It was a good summer...

A Day with Caleb

A day with Caleb en route to Travis and Tammy's wedding.   I stayed in his apartment, met his roommates, did a Costco run, then off to the Wedding with stops at a local taco stand and glasses repair shop.  At night we watch Batman on IMAX -- a pretty good movie.   The next day was the wedding, moved in doors due to inclement weather.  Caught up with many acquaintances from Sacramento.

The final day was a tour of the new Structural Engineering building at UCSD. Then, the serendipitous, almost chance encounter, with Dan Casey -- the pilot on my return trip.  We had dinner, before I arrive home to Pearl and the kids.

  

Angora Lake

A journey on the path less traveled brought us to Angora Lake.  On the narrow, twisty road, occasionally unpaved (always wondering if we were lost) we found a sweet spot -- two pristine lakes surround by rustic cabins.  The perfect combination of off season, yet perfect weather made for an unexpected paradise.

Up at Lisa's cabin for the weekend, we also saw the Lins at the Marriott.  Busy weekends with friends, and moments of solitude make for a happy life.  Once in Tahoe, I had a glimpse of the mountain stars on the clear moonless night.  Like on the ship, the full grandeur of the universe before my eyes.  I need to remember the stars.

Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS - pre cancer) and the Summer Blur

What I thought would be an abundant summer with a Louie Reunion Mexico Riviera Cruise and numerous relaxing weekends at the cabin, became instead, a life put on hold -- until today. On her birthday, Pearl had an appointment for a follow-on mammogram because of irregularities.  Next, was a world wind tour from biopsy to diagnosis (DCIS) to mastectomy. Today, September 9, 2012, what I see as first day of recovery, I feel as if my life finally starts again --but something was lost.   It was hard to see Pearl prepare for and suffer after the surgery. I stayed with her 3 days and could not imagine being anywhere else.  Cancer's indiscriminate strike offered pause to the meaning of life.  It is the relationships that we weave together.  At the center of my heart is Pearl.  While I am grateful that she doesn't require chemotherapy, I grieve the pain that life sometimes brings on the path we are destined to walk. 

Amusement Park Rides

In May 1997, I wrote the following about one day at Great America with Caleb.  Now the saga continues with MaeMae and Elias' first day on the big rides at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.

Caleb and I had a special day at Great America.  We arrived early and immediately hit the attractions.   It was a hot day, so we particularly enjoyed the “Gak” attraction, which left us totally soaked.   We walked/swam through that area twice.  Caleb is quite the daredevil.  He enjoys roller coasters, bumper cars, and the log rides.  I can’t believe he is only five years old.  I remember the “Days of Thunder” ride, which is a simulated stock car race.  There I sat gripping the safety restraints.  When I looked over at Caleb, he was just sitting there, comfortably.  I was rapt in the story line—imagining my life as a Dayton 500 race car drive.   To Caleb it was nothing more than a large TV screen and a vibrating chair.
 The shows were also interesting.  The first show we saw was about a boy, who gets trapped in cyberspace.   It’s definitely an M-TV production, geared toward my age group—Generation X.  It was full of 10 second music and movie clips from the 70s-80s, a laser show, smoke, and multi-media.  I sometimes wonder what M-TV’s impact will be on the attention span of the next generation.   Another show was about creating special effects in movies.  It was entertaining and informative. I was also amazed by Caleb’s boundless stamina.   We arrived early in the morning, yet stayed until the park closed.  Other than the admission price, we didn’t spend a dime.  I’m trying to teach Caleb that so called “convenience” food and beverages are actually a choice.  By preparing snacks, food, and beverages—we can avoid the higher cost associated with convenience. Overall, I enjoyed my day with Caleb.   He is a wonderful boy!

Now, 15 years later, Elias and MaeMae gets their first adventures on the 'big' rides.  The best part for me is that my days on rides are over, that baton passed on to Caleb and Philip to chaperon the little ones.

And for me, 15 years senior (and maybe not any wiser) a change of perspective.  Less on saving for the future, while more of appreciating life's small gifts of time together.

Summer Breezes

Summer is half over and it's been a good one.  With the diversion of work and frequent short vacations, I've gained a sense of contentment in my life.  I'm not sure if it's maturity, or gratitude, or my renewed focus on living in the moment--experiencing each sensation as if it were my first.

Short trips to the cabin have been a mainstay of our new routine.  It's not as if we do much there--eat, watch TV, relax.  But the short hikes, beach excursions, and exploration of tide pools makes for rich experiences.  We've had several months to explore the area.   I am amazed at the diversity--beach, tide pools, shops, forest, creek hikes, lakes--all within 15 minutes.

This past week, Pearl and the kids were in Tahoe.  My mom and I joined them for 2 days.  It has been years since my mom traveled.  She did well and enjoyed the reprieve from Sacramento heat.

June Reflections

When I was younger, I did not have a full appreciation of that sea fairing service which would shape my identity.  While not as glamorous, I've been given another opportunity with the California Senate.  With both age and experience, maybe I have learned to appreciate these moments. 

Yesterday was my first day as an official Senate employee.   While nothing really changed, I, nonetheless, appreciate this opportunity.  While evaluating my career, I realize I like to code, but I do miss interacting with people, particularly in a leadership or mentor role.

This weekend is our 23rd anniversary -- a busy time as school ends.  Pearl has been the constant throughout my life, as we parent and build a home together.

Caleb may have a job.  In some respects, I was hoping that he would be home for summer.  But, I think the job would be a good confidence boost for him.  Philip will work as an unpaid intern with me at the Senate.

The Meaning of Career?

Celebrating with my classmates as they reach the ranks of Captain has raised an onset of unexpected emotions.  What if, I ask myself as I ponder past decisions.    While I enjoy my current work, in some sense, sometimes I feel as if I haven't lived up to my career aspirations.   On one hand I dismiss the pomp and ceremonial nature of military leadership.   Then, on the other, I see the opportunities of command, that I let slip away.

With each step, I've always had ambition, but now even hope fails me.  First was my Coast Guard career; second, satellite engineering; and  third a dot-com start up.  Now, I write code for the Senate in a small IT shop

But as I reflect deeper, I see, despite accomplishments in each of these endeavors,  deep rooted loneliness.  I screened for command after my first afloat tour, yet those early days on ship were torturous.  After graduate school, with the support of CAPT Cook, I could not have asked a better opportunity then to be KO for the Surface Search Radar Project.  But after acquiring these core competencies, I resigned my commission.

At Loral, professionally, I thrived both as  product manager and software engineer in the complex arena of geostationary satellites.  Yet, internally, I yearned for something else and decided to start my own company.

With each step, despite some emptiness, mine was the dream of great accomplishment.  But that ceased with the bureaucracy of state government.  My years in state government, now the lion's share of my career, seems insignificant; yet to some degree I discovered something I enjoy -- writing code.

It is this ambiguity, questioning the meaning of a career, as in Author Miller's "Death of a Saleman".

Yet, by the end of the weekend I had a great night at the cabin and hiking with Elias, then a relaxing day at the Whole Earth Festival listening to music and drum circles with MaeMae.

The mind is a twisted web of deceit and distortions, designed to protect the fragile ego soul.  Unraveling this onion, one finds the illusive sense of purpose.

Cupertino - A Post From Yesterday (1996)

As I start a new life in Cupertino, I am overwhelmed with this small cosmopolitan city -- a true melting pot of cultures. So different than Bowie, the people here settle from all over the world and live in harmony in the idyllic setting of the San Francisco Bay area. The region is affluent, but not excessive. Most prevalent among this diversity is the Taiwanese influence and blossoming Mandarin speaking enthrones . The Chinese presence is apparent in every facet of life from the schools to the grocery stores to the programming on television. In addition, there are numerous other cultures represented including Latino, Indian, and European communities. At a typical day in the grocery store, it is not uncommon to hear 4-5 different languages!

Although I am impressed with the diversity of the region, it is the public schools which brought me here. The schools—known worldwide—are strong and committed to quality education. Caleb started his first day at kindergarten this week. As a proud parent, I watched him begin this torturous journey toward adulthood. As the new kid at school, it’s been an experience for him to make friends, given his quiet disposition. But his positive attitude and resilience alleviates my concerns. Seeing him renews my faith in the public education system as it reminds me of how much I enjoyed my childhood school days. Thus far, both Caleb and Philip have adjusted well to the transition. I could not be more pleased.

Soon it will be my turn to be the new “kid on the block” as I begin my job at Space Systems / Loral. I am sanguine about the future…and this community that I now call home.

The Cabin, Linsanity, and a place called Roeder Way

The Cabin: The middle ground is struck when the fantasy of perpetual vacationing meets the reality of home maintenance. The roofer job incomplete, while the storm arrives; the chimney exhaust fails in the middle of the night reigning fear and uncertainty. Yet, through it all is a sense of building something, not a fantasy, but real memories.

Identity: Overwhelmed by Linsanity reminds me of my captivity to racial identity. I am not above race, rather race defines who I am. And in this race and gender, I celebrate with the excitement and accomplishments of Jeremy Lin, who against the odds, believed in himself, when no one else would and continued to press on.

A Place Called Roeder Way: A farewell to Mr. Cook and with his passing I recall my childhood and many days with the Cook family. It was especially good to see Mrs. Cook, her voice and mind the same as I remember, but her age apparent. From Steven to Brad to Amelia to Tom, a glimpse into a life long passed that lives only in my childhood memories--a placed called Roeder Way.

Cabining

Fall Creek...

The ripples from the creek and shelter from the redwoods drown away the sounds of modern life, until you turn on the cable TV. The solitude of cabin life, melt away the worries of the 21st century, until you realize the cost of maintaining a 70 year old house.

But, in real estate, its the location. And in our case, the proximity to countless hiking trails is a gold mine. At least for now, when the kids are willing to hike with us.

It's been an adventure -- a rental and vacation home -- all wrapped into one.