June Reflections

When I was younger, I did not have a full appreciation of that sea fairing service which would shape my identity.  While not as glamorous, I've been given another opportunity with the California Senate.  With both age and experience, maybe I have learned to appreciate these moments. 

Yesterday was my first day as an official Senate employee.   While nothing really changed, I, nonetheless, appreciate this opportunity.  While evaluating my career, I realize I like to code, but I do miss interacting with people, particularly in a leadership or mentor role.

This weekend is our 23rd anniversary -- a busy time as school ends.  Pearl has been the constant throughout my life, as we parent and build a home together.

Caleb may have a job.  In some respects, I was hoping that he would be home for summer.  But, I think the job would be a good confidence boost for him.  Philip will work as an unpaid intern with me at the Senate.

The Meaning of Career?

Celebrating with my classmates as they reach the ranks of Captain has raised an onset of unexpected emotions.  What if, I ask myself as I ponder past decisions.    While I enjoy my current work, in some sense, sometimes I feel as if I haven't lived up to my career aspirations.   On one hand I dismiss the pomp and ceremonial nature of military leadership.   Then, on the other, I see the opportunities of command, that I let slip away.

With each step, I've always had ambition, but now even hope fails me.  First was my Coast Guard career; second, satellite engineering; and  third a dot-com start up.  Now, I write code for the Senate in a small IT shop

But as I reflect deeper, I see, despite accomplishments in each of these endeavors,  deep rooted loneliness.  I screened for command after my first afloat tour, yet those early days on ship were torturous.  After graduate school, with the support of CAPT Cook, I could not have asked a better opportunity then to be KO for the Surface Search Radar Project.  But after acquiring these core competencies, I resigned my commission.

At Loral, professionally, I thrived both as  product manager and software engineer in the complex arena of geostationary satellites.  Yet, internally, I yearned for something else and decided to start my own company.

With each step, despite some emptiness, mine was the dream of great accomplishment.  But that ceased with the bureaucracy of state government.  My years in state government, now the lion's share of my career, seems insignificant; yet to some degree I discovered something I enjoy -- writing code.

It is this ambiguity, questioning the meaning of a career, as in Author Miller's "Death of a Saleman".

Yet, by the end of the weekend I had a great night at the cabin and hiking with Elias, then a relaxing day at the Whole Earth Festival listening to music and drum circles with MaeMae.

The mind is a twisted web of deceit and distortions, designed to protect the fragile ego soul.  Unraveling this onion, one finds the illusive sense of purpose.

Cupertino - A Post From Yesterday (1996)

As I start a new life in Cupertino, I am overwhelmed with this small cosmopolitan city -- a true melting pot of cultures. So different than Bowie, the people here settle from all over the world and live in harmony in the idyllic setting of the San Francisco Bay area. The region is affluent, but not excessive. Most prevalent among this diversity is the Taiwanese influence and blossoming Mandarin speaking enthrones . The Chinese presence is apparent in every facet of life from the schools to the grocery stores to the programming on television. In addition, there are numerous other cultures represented including Latino, Indian, and European communities. At a typical day in the grocery store, it is not uncommon to hear 4-5 different languages!

Although I am impressed with the diversity of the region, it is the public schools which brought me here. The schools—known worldwide—are strong and committed to quality education. Caleb started his first day at kindergarten this week. As a proud parent, I watched him begin this torturous journey toward adulthood. As the new kid at school, it’s been an experience for him to make friends, given his quiet disposition. But his positive attitude and resilience alleviates my concerns. Seeing him renews my faith in the public education system as it reminds me of how much I enjoyed my childhood school days. Thus far, both Caleb and Philip have adjusted well to the transition. I could not be more pleased.

Soon it will be my turn to be the new “kid on the block” as I begin my job at Space Systems / Loral. I am sanguine about the future…and this community that I now call home.

The Cabin, Linsanity, and a place called Roeder Way

The Cabin: The middle ground is struck when the fantasy of perpetual vacationing meets the reality of home maintenance. The roofer job incomplete, while the storm arrives; the chimney exhaust fails in the middle of the night reigning fear and uncertainty. Yet, through it all is a sense of building something, not a fantasy, but real memories.

Identity: Overwhelmed by Linsanity reminds me of my captivity to racial identity. I am not above race, rather race defines who I am. And in this race and gender, I celebrate with the excitement and accomplishments of Jeremy Lin, who against the odds, believed in himself, when no one else would and continued to press on.

A Place Called Roeder Way: A farewell to Mr. Cook and with his passing I recall my childhood and many days with the Cook family. It was especially good to see Mrs. Cook, her voice and mind the same as I remember, but her age apparent. From Steven to Brad to Amelia to Tom, a glimpse into a life long passed that lives only in my childhood memories--a placed called Roeder Way.

Cabining

Fall Creek...

The ripples from the creek and shelter from the redwoods drown away the sounds of modern life, until you turn on the cable TV. The solitude of cabin life, melt away the worries of the 21st century, until you realize the cost of maintaining a 70 year old house.

But, in real estate, its the location. And in our case, the proximity to countless hiking trails is a gold mine. At least for now, when the kids are willing to hike with us.

It's been an adventure -- a rental and vacation home -- all wrapped into one.

Summer 2011

The summer is over. Caleb and Philip leave this week for San Diego and Santa Cruz.

It was a good summer. Mt Hermon, Caleb's job, Lake Tahoe, some day trips to the Oakland Zoo, USS Hornet, San Francisco Academy of Science, UCSC orientation.

MaeMae and Elias are enrolled in Chinese school, Philip learned Python.

With Caleb coming home each weekend, it felt like everyone was home. There won't be many more summers like this.

Caleb's Job, Philip's Birthday, and Mt Hermon

If a parent relives his life through the eyes of his children, then it only seems fitting that Caleb's first job would be with the Coast Guard.

Caleb works for the Civil Engineering unit in Oakland. It was a frantic weekend looking at room rentals in the bay area. We finally found one on Alameda.

After Caleb was settled, I bounced back and forth between Mt Hermon, Alameda, and Davis. Mt Hermon was fun with the Lins and Chings. On Tuesday night, I drove home for Philip's birthday and driver's test. Lucnh with Philip and Raider, then that rite of passage. Philip passed.... Then on Wednesday evening, in Alameda, I had dinner and watched a movie with Caleb. Alameda has a large and quaint historical downtown. I enjoyed hearing tales of Caleb's first full-time work experience as an Engineering Tech. Then, back to Mt Hermon with Pearl, MaeMae, and Elias.

At Mt Hermon, I enjoyed the mountain bike ride and hikes. We saw a few homes and are considering a UCSC rental / vacation home.

Graduation

Philip's graduation was a whirlwind weekend. From Da Vinci's ceremony celebrating Raider's accomplishment; to the Wall's house; DHS graduation on the campus; grad night dealing blackjack all night; then renting the MU for unlimited games.... Next fall, Philip will be a banana slug.

Caleb is home and starts an internship next week at Coast Guard Island with their civil engineering unit. We are trying to set up a summer sublet.

Elias and MaeMae start summer break with gymnastic and swim lessons.

It is good to have the whole family home again, albeit for a short time. Yet, with the little ones it seems like parenting never ends.

A New Era

Philip advanced to the second day at the SJS Masters meet, placing him in the top 12. But his quest for the state tournament ended one match short as he lost his first match on the second day. A win would have likely advanced him to Bakersfield next weekend.

With the moment comes the recollection of numerous gymnastic meets, soccer games, cross country meets, and wrestling tournaments -- which have been a major part of our family weekends.

But all things must come to an end. Soon Philip will be hearing from colleges. A new phase begins.

I wonder if we will follow the same path of athletics with the younger ones?

A Good Weekend

Sometimes I forget how much I enjoy being with friends and family.

On Friday, we went out with Arlene, Loy, Katie, and my mom to Jade Garden to celebrate Chinese New Year. Then, everyone came over for dessert.

On Saturday, we visited the Sacramento museums for "free museum day". Then, we had dinner with Chris, Christine, & family playing Wii, Just Dance.

On Sunday, after church, we visited Mom and Dad Louie, then watched the Superbowl with David and Jo-Ann & family.

I was also please that Philip, with the exception of the museums, hung out with us too.

Always focused on tasks, I need to make more time for these events. I hope I am smart enough to learn this simple truth.

Christmas, Just Dance, and Wrestling

We traveled down to San Diego for Thanksgiving and invaded Caleb's apartment for a few days, when his roommates were on leave. From museums to beaches to exploring the campus, it was a restful break, although hard to sleep on Caleb's living room furniture.

Christmas has come and gone like a blur. It was good to have Caleb home, although we didn't do anything special, other than a day at Discovery Kingdom.

Our family fun is playing Just Dance together. Everyone from Elias to my siblings enjoy the game. This is one of my few activities, the only exercise I get now. MaeMae loves the game and can play for hours. Even Pearl jumps in occasionally.

Wrestling season started. Philip is having a good season. He won a championship and places in practically ever tournament. The Enterprise will feature a human interest story on him.

Pearl's work has been busy, as she is back to full time.

Fall Directions

I get MaeMae and Elias up and ready for school each day. It is a good routine that I am happy to part of. Then, I drive to work, which has been busy lately. For leisure, I watch TV and a weekly football game.

For a short while, I was reading a book about Christian perspectives of Buddhism and Buddhist perceptions of Christianity, although it seems a bit academic for my taste.

I can almost see the day in which Philip will be off to college. Then, we'll have just Elias and MaeMae home--a second round of parenting. Parenting will define my life.

I have been jogging, now that I can't bike to work anymore. For awhile I was more disciplined, but now I'm only jogging (slowly) twice a week.

For some reason my life seems out of rhythm. I can't really describe it. I seem content to be introspective, lost in the technical details of my work. I wonder if this is who I am and I should accept these tendencies or, if I should force myself more into a people oriented role.

I seem to have lost some of the passion for social justice, which seemed, a few years ago, so important to me. While I still hold these values, I seem less incline to be an "activist".

Back to School

I sit in Caleb's apartment now, as he starts his second year at UC San Diego. A year ago, he started his college career, excited, not knowing what lay ahead. I, too, as a parent knew nothing of letting go. Today, as he reunited with his friends, it was a sense of the familiar--in a good way. It become apparently clear to me that San Diego (just as much as Davis) is his home and he is happy.

The school year has began and our lives are like a whirlpool. Pearl is working full time with Maelin at her school. Elias has preschool and extended care at Applegate. Philip starts his senior year. I am consumed in my work as our office adopts new OOP practices. While the days fly by, I sometime wonder the meaning of this busyness.

This week we had Philip's back to school night and a picnic at North Davis. Next, I flew with Caleb to San Diego to help him unpack and stock up his kitchen--somewhat feeling out of place among college students.

Fall is here.

Posts from Yesteryear -- Taiwan (2005)

Feb 19, 05: Our first day in Taiwan and my fears of being lost in a foreign city are subsiding. We landed and managed to take the bus into Taipei, find our hotel, and learn the fundamentals of the subway metro. We saw a temple, a memorial, a night market and more, but what I'll remember most about Taipei is the full senses that it demands. Neon lights, unceasing audible warnings, and strange, but strong odors fill the city. I think of Mu-Shien.... I am exhausted.

Feb 20, 05: It has been days, but finally I slept well and feel refreshed this morning. Taipei is so busy. What started as a quiet Saturday morning at 7:00, we we first arrived grew into a vibrant hustling city by evening -- people everywhere. The night markets were exotic, unlike anything in the west. Filled with food galore prepared in strange ways. The smell that penetrated the air, as if to surround us, was like fish and curry. First it was unique, but over time, became mildly sickening and overwhelming. The temple was beautiful--the music, the candles, the lanterns, the prayers, the people gathering together--there voices (language) I could not understand. It would have been perfect had it not been for the incense, which smoke and smell at times I found overwhelming. The Buddhist temple, nonetheless, was beautiful.

Today it's Sunday -- a quieter day in Taipei. We went to the National Palace Museum and saw numerous scrolls, wood carvings, jade, and sculptures. Next, was shopping -- never ending stores --high rise buildings. Lunch was unique at a teahouse -- waffles and tea. After an afternoon nap we headed to Taipei City Hall to see the hundreds of lanterns in celebration of the Lantern Festival 15 days into the new Lunar year -- the Roster.

Feb 21, 05: The waterfront in Dansui was dissappointing. Rainy and cold -- the port was empty with few attractions. We caught the MRT then found Bus 26 which took us to the desserted waterfront. I was fearful that we wouldn't be able to get back, but luckily the route is frequently travelled. Next, we went to Bentou which was a great experience int he hot springs. Soaking in hot mineral water in the cold rain was fun.

Last night we lost our room at Hotel Royal Inn and moved to the Rosemary Inn - which was run down. It was dated, dirty, and cold. The mattress was like a box spring and hard to sleep on. It reminded me of days sleeping on the floor because it was so hard.

Feb 22, 05: We started a 5 day/4 night tour of the island. Today, most of the day was at Sun Moon Lake and the aboriginal culture. Now we are at Taiching. I am still preoccupied with MuShien. I can't wait to meet her. I am saddened that my father never had a chance to meet her. I also thinkg of him and how hard it must be on my mom to suddenly be without him after so long.

Another interesting fact about Taiwan is the bettlenut or bitternut. Young women often scantly dressed sell these snacks which are extremely bitter but provide a warmth in the body. It is a stimulant that many people use particularly in the rural and central part of Taiwan. The stands are everywhere! The tree looks like a palm tree but much smaller. It is a strange industry.

7-11 shacks for dinner. Again, I fall asleep so fast and anxiously await tomorrow. The weather is warmer and there is less rain. This city is older, but more neon lights surround the streets and create a deco atmosphere.

Feb 23, 05: We saw several sites enroute to Kaoshing, the 2nd largest city in Taiwan. Kaoshing is the main seaport and lacks the infrastructure (MRT) of Taipei--although one is being built now. We saw the peota in Ching Ching lake and the zig zag bridge. Prior to Kaoshing we stopped in Lakung -- a small town to see a duddhist temple with many interesting small markets with exotic foods.

At night, near our hotel we wondered to the lantern festival. There were tens of thousands of people swarming the river bed. Fireworks and shops and crowds were everywhere. The show was lasers, water fountains, and projected colors followed by music and fireworks.

Feb 24, 05: Today we went to Kenting National park. It took about 2 hours to get there. Climbing the huge volcanic rocks, seeing the ocean, and the lush vegetation was fascinating. We saw a water buffalo and a family of monkeys. The lighthouse was also interesting. South, the weather was much warmer and humid. At night we walked about 5 blocks to the open markets. We ate at a hot pot -- simple Japanese style meal. Again, the late night with so many people, and exotic foods, under neon lights -- strange smells.

Feb 28, 05: I couldn't stop thinking about tomorrow. I fell asleep watching movies--my family all of us together. Now, I am awake feeling there is too much to do. Tomorrow, we meet her for the first time.

Alaskan Cruise

"A liking for the sea and it's lore..."

While its been nearly 20 years since I sailed the seas, the cruise rekindle my affections for the ocean. I appreciated the time being with family. Unplugged from the world, on the ocean, shipboard time operates at its own pace.

The cruise was a celebration of Mom and Dad's 50th Anniversary. It was fun to be with extended family. Fine dining, an evening show, a walk around port, jogging the treadmill, seeing the majestic glaciers--all characterized the cruise, but mostly it was just about being together as a family.

The global economics were also evident. Almost 1900 passengers being served by a crew of 900, mostly from developing nations. Crew members earned as little as $30 per day, while working 12 hour days. My only comfort in experiencing this overt economic disparity firsthand was the fact that most crew members worked on cruise lines for decades indicating that these jobs, although menial from a 1st world perspective, might provided upward mobility in developing nations.

Change of Command

Today, I attended a change of command ceremony in Oakland. It was good to see several classmates again, many of whom I haven't seen in 10 or 20 years. Caleb and Philip came and they had a glimpse of part of my life that they had never seen.

In these reflective moments, one always ponders--what if...what if I stayed in the Coast Guard? Life was not meant to live in the hypothetical.

I had a good time. I'm glad I was able to share this moment with Caleb and Philip.

Spring Break

A visit to the snow, a trip to San Diego, spring is here.

We enjoyed a few side trips and one long one to San Diego. Eli and MaeMae enjoyed the beach and Legoland. It was good to see Caleb, and for Philip to spend a day in the dorms.

The battle of the bands at picnic day is becoming one of my favorite traditions. MaeMae loved the music and couldn't stop dancing. Eli couldn't stop laughing at the Stanford band and all their crazy costumes. Music is something special that touches the soul.

I have been watching these you tube videos on Stephen Hawking's lectures on the origins of the universe--thoughtful and provocative. There is so much available on the internet these days.

Christmas 2009

It was good to have Caleb hope for an extended period. The 2009 Christmas season could best be described as visiting family and watching movies. Nothing exciting, but nonetheless time together. Soon, Philip will be in college and our household will change even more. The holidays become a blur: watching Avatar; Philip's wrestling meet; a family Christmas eve; Christmas morning with Pearl's family; visiting my extended family in Lodi on Christmas night; my extended family celebration at our house; yard work at my mom's house; a family trip to Lawrence Hall of Science at UC Berkeley; New Years Eve with JoAnn's Family.

Wrestling Season

Wrestling season started. I must admit watching Philip's wrestling match is intense for me, far more than watching him play soccer or run cross-country. There is something primal about wrestling, two people on the mat, giving it everything they have. I am caught up, consumed in the moment, even overwhelmed with intense emotion. My reaction seems contrary to the Buddhism tenets I seek in pursuing the middle way.

Philip continues to get better each season. The workouts, technique, and weight management builds discipline like no other sport. While Philip's success in sports builds his confidence, these fleeting accomplishments should not be the sole basis for his identity. The middle way is balance.

The Simple Path

I have been reading the Dalia Lama's, the Simple Path. I've come to understand that to practice Buddhism is not to surrender my Christianity. On the contrary, Buddhism finds no need to increase its numbers or expand its influence, but rather suggests that we focus on the strengths of our own faith tradition, rather than its flaws. For Buddhism acknowledges that these other faiths have provided hope and given meaning to millions of people and therefore is a positive force in the world, despite what we (who seek faiths outside of their upbringing) may see as its shortcomings. So, Buddhism's first goal is to make me a better Christian.

It is this openness, denial of the ego-soul, and pacifist roots that perhaps provide a deeper understanding of the teachings of Jesus Christ. To deny oneself, blessed are the poor, to set the captives free, we are made perfect in our weakness -- is this not the kingdom? Can this kingdom be understood from a western context immersed in geopolitical power?

My recent study of faith has taught me how our identity is shaped by our race, gender, nationalism, culture, and social economic status. These factors have a significant impact on how we think and view our world. By denying our own ego soul, Buddhism seeks to rise above these cultural influences. Is this not the path of Jesus Christ and his calling to us. Could it be that the creator and creation are meant to be as one--in intimate connection, inseparable, and indistinguishable from one another. Could it be that our implicit trust and belief in the existence of our own ego-soul is sin's power over us.

Buddhism starts from the pretext of denying the most important aspect of our identity--our own ego soul, and in doing so, may open a genuine understanding of the kingdom that Jesus proclaimed.

Am I a cup already full?