Caleb lands an Internship in China. Tennis anyone?

As summer approaches, we enjoy an early May weekend up at the cabin.  Pearl's project has been painting the kitchen cabinets and walls.  The big news, of course, is Caleb's internship in Langfang, China.  He starts in July right after graduation.  It will be a great experience for him, as well as me, as I hope to visit him.

After a year of tennis lessons, MaeMae and Elias have become proficient.  Pearl started classes as well, which she loves, and now we often play together as a family.  We can rally 20 times across the net and it is enjoyable--not to always be fetching the balls.

The Buddhist Rhythm

As a beginning practitioner, my insights into Buddhism are limited,  yet this ancient philosophy continually surprises me with its understanding of  human nature.  For me, in particular, the ego, in its desire to protect itself, is a complex entity that weaves a twisted view of reality.  Buddhist tenets, cut through this web of entanglements and offers an alternative view.  While I am no expert, and my understanding consistently changes, I offer these reflections.

The Ego:  The ego identity is the center of who we are and it shapes everything about us, yet it's existence is a canard.  The denial of the ego soul is a path to a deeper understanding.  Here the Buddhist theme is not unlike the calling of Christ to deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow Jesus.  These words are hard to understand in the 21st century, where the cross has a positive meaning in Christian circles, but at the time, Jesus is calling his followers to literally assist in their own death, by carrying their instrument of death.   Far from committing suicide, Jesus is calling us to destroy the "self"; and in this same vein, the Buddhist tenet asks us to realize the ego's hold over us and it's distorted reality.

Mindfulness:  The mind warps reality.  Instead of being caught of in the infinite complex permutations of the mind, focus instead on the experience of being, living mindfully in the moment.  The act of each breath is a worthwhile experience and not to be habitually ignored as irrelevant.   This mindfulness offers possibilities of new experiences, rather than playing out one's mind's predetermined judgement and precursory response.   This is the act of being mindful of each experience and open to responding and living rather than merely acting out the delusional ego's will.

These are the beginning steps to understanding life.  Mine are baby steps, yet I can see that this path has the potential to alter value systems and life decisions.

The Summer that Wasn't And the Future that Will Be

As I now gather my thoughts, I reflect on the great summer that wasn't.   It was the missing summer, because at the time, I was preoccupied with the shock of cancer.  But now, with a rising sense that those burdens have been lifted, I can remember the summer that wasn't.   Caleb return to the Coast Guard for his internship, while Philip excel at my office -- completing multiple web applications in only two months.  We had a wonderful family reunion cruise and many days at the cabin.  

I feel I have reached a happy balance with my career.   While it is not the most exciting or advance technology, I enjoy a small shop to lead projects, write code, and exploring computer science in a not overly pressured environment.   In cabin weekends, I feel renewed and ready for the next week.  

Most recently, I saw an MIT video of one our America's young innovators about storing green energy in compressed air batteries.  Watching the segment and following up on their website, I could not image how compressed air could store electrical potential (i.e. a Duracell Battery).  Then, Philip chimed in and clarified that the compressed air is the potential energy.  The light bulb went off in my head, as Philip explained the relationship between Pressure, Volume, and Temperature -how water is cooling the temperature and improving efficiency the thesis of the research.   While my intellectual facilities are limited, I appreciate these futuristic conversations that my sons now challenge and teach me.   

It was a good summer...

A Day with Caleb

A day with Caleb en route to Travis and Tammy's wedding.   I stayed in his apartment, met his roommates, did a Costco run, then off to the Wedding with stops at a local taco stand and glasses repair shop.  At night we watch Batman on IMAX -- a pretty good movie.   The next day was the wedding, moved in doors due to inclement weather.  Caught up with many acquaintances from Sacramento.

The final day was a tour of the new Structural Engineering building at UCSD. Then, the serendipitous, almost chance encounter, with Dan Casey -- the pilot on my return trip.  We had dinner, before I arrive home to Pearl and the kids.

  

Angora Lake

A journey on the path less traveled brought us to Angora Lake.  On the narrow, twisty road, occasionally unpaved (always wondering if we were lost) we found a sweet spot -- two pristine lakes surround by rustic cabins.  The perfect combination of off season, yet perfect weather made for an unexpected paradise.

Up at Lisa's cabin for the weekend, we also saw the Lins at the Marriott.  Busy weekends with friends, and moments of solitude make for a happy life.  Once in Tahoe, I had a glimpse of the mountain stars on the clear moonless night.  Like on the ship, the full grandeur of the universe before my eyes.  I need to remember the stars.

Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS - pre cancer) and the Summer Blur

What I thought would be an abundant summer with a Louie Reunion Mexico Riviera Cruise and numerous relaxing weekends at the cabin, became instead, a life put on hold -- until today. On her birthday, Pearl had an appointment for a follow-on mammogram because of irregularities.  Next, was a world wind tour from biopsy to diagnosis (DCIS) to mastectomy. Today, September 9, 2012, what I see as first day of recovery, I feel as if my life finally starts again --but something was lost.   It was hard to see Pearl prepare for and suffer after the surgery. I stayed with her 3 days and could not imagine being anywhere else.  Cancer's indiscriminate strike offered pause to the meaning of life.  It is the relationships that we weave together.  At the center of my heart is Pearl.  While I am grateful that she doesn't require chemotherapy, I grieve the pain that life sometimes brings on the path we are destined to walk. 

Amusement Park Rides

In May 1997, I wrote the following about one day at Great America with Caleb.  Now the saga continues with MaeMae and Elias' first day on the big rides at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.

Caleb and I had a special day at Great America.  We arrived early and immediately hit the attractions.   It was a hot day, so we particularly enjoyed the “Gak” attraction, which left us totally soaked.   We walked/swam through that area twice.  Caleb is quite the daredevil.  He enjoys roller coasters, bumper cars, and the log rides.  I can’t believe he is only five years old.  I remember the “Days of Thunder” ride, which is a simulated stock car race.  There I sat gripping the safety restraints.  When I looked over at Caleb, he was just sitting there, comfortably.  I was rapt in the story line—imagining my life as a Dayton 500 race car drive.   To Caleb it was nothing more than a large TV screen and a vibrating chair.
 The shows were also interesting.  The first show we saw was about a boy, who gets trapped in cyberspace.   It’s definitely an M-TV production, geared toward my age group—Generation X.  It was full of 10 second music and movie clips from the 70s-80s, a laser show, smoke, and multi-media.  I sometimes wonder what M-TV’s impact will be on the attention span of the next generation.   Another show was about creating special effects in movies.  It was entertaining and informative. I was also amazed by Caleb’s boundless stamina.   We arrived early in the morning, yet stayed until the park closed.  Other than the admission price, we didn’t spend a dime.  I’m trying to teach Caleb that so called “convenience” food and beverages are actually a choice.  By preparing snacks, food, and beverages—we can avoid the higher cost associated with convenience. Overall, I enjoyed my day with Caleb.   He is a wonderful boy!

Now, 15 years later, Elias and MaeMae gets their first adventures on the 'big' rides.  The best part for me is that my days on rides are over, that baton passed on to Caleb and Philip to chaperon the little ones.

And for me, 15 years senior (and maybe not any wiser) a change of perspective.  Less on saving for the future, while more of appreciating life's small gifts of time together.

Summer Breezes

Summer is half over and it's been a good one.  With the diversion of work and frequent short vacations, I've gained a sense of contentment in my life.  I'm not sure if it's maturity, or gratitude, or my renewed focus on living in the moment--experiencing each sensation as if it were my first.

Short trips to the cabin have been a mainstay of our new routine.  It's not as if we do much there--eat, watch TV, relax.  But the short hikes, beach excursions, and exploration of tide pools makes for rich experiences.  We've had several months to explore the area.   I am amazed at the diversity--beach, tide pools, shops, forest, creek hikes, lakes--all within 15 minutes.

This past week, Pearl and the kids were in Tahoe.  My mom and I joined them for 2 days.  It has been years since my mom traveled.  She did well and enjoyed the reprieve from Sacramento heat.

June Reflections

When I was younger, I did not have a full appreciation of that sea fairing service which would shape my identity.  While not as glamorous, I've been given another opportunity with the California Senate.  With both age and experience, maybe I have learned to appreciate these moments. 

Yesterday was my first day as an official Senate employee.   While nothing really changed, I, nonetheless, appreciate this opportunity.  While evaluating my career, I realize I like to code, but I do miss interacting with people, particularly in a leadership or mentor role.

This weekend is our 23rd anniversary -- a busy time as school ends.  Pearl has been the constant throughout my life, as we parent and build a home together.

Caleb may have a job.  In some respects, I was hoping that he would be home for summer.  But, I think the job would be a good confidence boost for him.  Philip will work as an unpaid intern with me at the Senate.

The Meaning of Career?

Celebrating with my classmates as they reach the ranks of Captain has raised an onset of unexpected emotions.  What if, I ask myself as I ponder past decisions.    While I enjoy my current work, in some sense, sometimes I feel as if I haven't lived up to my career aspirations.   On one hand I dismiss the pomp and ceremonial nature of military leadership.   Then, on the other, I see the opportunities of command, that I let slip away.

With each step, I've always had ambition, but now even hope fails me.  First was my Coast Guard career; second, satellite engineering; and  third a dot-com start up.  Now, I write code for the Senate in a small IT shop

But as I reflect deeper, I see, despite accomplishments in each of these endeavors,  deep rooted loneliness.  I screened for command after my first afloat tour, yet those early days on ship were torturous.  After graduate school, with the support of CAPT Cook, I could not have asked a better opportunity then to be KO for the Surface Search Radar Project.  But after acquiring these core competencies, I resigned my commission.

At Loral, professionally, I thrived both as  product manager and software engineer in the complex arena of geostationary satellites.  Yet, internally, I yearned for something else and decided to start my own company.

With each step, despite some emptiness, mine was the dream of great accomplishment.  But that ceased with the bureaucracy of state government.  My years in state government, now the lion's share of my career, seems insignificant; yet to some degree I discovered something I enjoy -- writing code.

It is this ambiguity, questioning the meaning of a career, as in Author Miller's "Death of a Saleman".

Yet, by the end of the weekend I had a great night at the cabin and hiking with Elias, then a relaxing day at the Whole Earth Festival listening to music and drum circles with MaeMae.

The mind is a twisted web of deceit and distortions, designed to protect the fragile ego soul.  Unraveling this onion, one finds the illusive sense of purpose.

Cupertino - A Post From Yesterday (1996)

As I start a new life in Cupertino, I am overwhelmed with this small cosmopolitan city -- a true melting pot of cultures. So different than Bowie, the people here settle from all over the world and live in harmony in the idyllic setting of the San Francisco Bay area. The region is affluent, but not excessive. Most prevalent among this diversity is the Taiwanese influence and blossoming Mandarin speaking enthrones . The Chinese presence is apparent in every facet of life from the schools to the grocery stores to the programming on television. In addition, there are numerous other cultures represented including Latino, Indian, and European communities. At a typical day in the grocery store, it is not uncommon to hear 4-5 different languages!

Although I am impressed with the diversity of the region, it is the public schools which brought me here. The schools—known worldwide—are strong and committed to quality education. Caleb started his first day at kindergarten this week. As a proud parent, I watched him begin this torturous journey toward adulthood. As the new kid at school, it’s been an experience for him to make friends, given his quiet disposition. But his positive attitude and resilience alleviates my concerns. Seeing him renews my faith in the public education system as it reminds me of how much I enjoyed my childhood school days. Thus far, both Caleb and Philip have adjusted well to the transition. I could not be more pleased.

Soon it will be my turn to be the new “kid on the block” as I begin my job at Space Systems / Loral. I am sanguine about the future…and this community that I now call home.

The Cabin, Linsanity, and a place called Roeder Way

The Cabin: The middle ground is struck when the fantasy of perpetual vacationing meets the reality of home maintenance. The roofer job incomplete, while the storm arrives; the chimney exhaust fails in the middle of the night reigning fear and uncertainty. Yet, through it all is a sense of building something, not a fantasy, but real memories.

Identity: Overwhelmed by Linsanity reminds me of my captivity to racial identity. I am not above race, rather race defines who I am. And in this race and gender, I celebrate with the excitement and accomplishments of Jeremy Lin, who against the odds, believed in himself, when no one else would and continued to press on.

A Place Called Roeder Way: A farewell to Mr. Cook and with his passing I recall my childhood and many days with the Cook family. It was especially good to see Mrs. Cook, her voice and mind the same as I remember, but her age apparent. From Steven to Brad to Amelia to Tom, a glimpse into a life long passed that lives only in my childhood memories--a placed called Roeder Way.

Cabining

Fall Creek...

The ripples from the creek and shelter from the redwoods drown away the sounds of modern life, until you turn on the cable TV. The solitude of cabin life, melt away the worries of the 21st century, until you realize the cost of maintaining a 70 year old house.

But, in real estate, its the location. And in our case, the proximity to countless hiking trails is a gold mine. At least for now, when the kids are willing to hike with us.

It's been an adventure -- a rental and vacation home -- all wrapped into one.

Summer 2011

The summer is over. Caleb and Philip leave this week for San Diego and Santa Cruz.

It was a good summer. Mt Hermon, Caleb's job, Lake Tahoe, some day trips to the Oakland Zoo, USS Hornet, San Francisco Academy of Science, UCSC orientation.

MaeMae and Elias are enrolled in Chinese school, Philip learned Python.

With Caleb coming home each weekend, it felt like everyone was home. There won't be many more summers like this.

Caleb's Job, Philip's Birthday, and Mt Hermon

If a parent relives his life through the eyes of his children, then it only seems fitting that Caleb's first job would be with the Coast Guard.

Caleb works for the Civil Engineering unit in Oakland. It was a frantic weekend looking at room rentals in the bay area. We finally found one on Alameda.

After Caleb was settled, I bounced back and forth between Mt Hermon, Alameda, and Davis. Mt Hermon was fun with the Lins and Chings. On Tuesday night, I drove home for Philip's birthday and driver's test. Lucnh with Philip and Raider, then that rite of passage. Philip passed.... Then on Wednesday evening, in Alameda, I had dinner and watched a movie with Caleb. Alameda has a large and quaint historical downtown. I enjoyed hearing tales of Caleb's first full-time work experience as an Engineering Tech. Then, back to Mt Hermon with Pearl, MaeMae, and Elias.

At Mt Hermon, I enjoyed the mountain bike ride and hikes. We saw a few homes and are considering a UCSC rental / vacation home.

Graduation

Philip's graduation was a whirlwind weekend. From Da Vinci's ceremony celebrating Raider's accomplishment; to the Wall's house; DHS graduation on the campus; grad night dealing blackjack all night; then renting the MU for unlimited games.... Next fall, Philip will be a banana slug.

Caleb is home and starts an internship next week at Coast Guard Island with their civil engineering unit. We are trying to set up a summer sublet.

Elias and MaeMae start summer break with gymnastic and swim lessons.

It is good to have the whole family home again, albeit for a short time. Yet, with the little ones it seems like parenting never ends.

A New Era

Philip advanced to the second day at the SJS Masters meet, placing him in the top 12. But his quest for the state tournament ended one match short as he lost his first match on the second day. A win would have likely advanced him to Bakersfield next weekend.

With the moment comes the recollection of numerous gymnastic meets, soccer games, cross country meets, and wrestling tournaments -- which have been a major part of our family weekends.

But all things must come to an end. Soon Philip will be hearing from colleges. A new phase begins.

I wonder if we will follow the same path of athletics with the younger ones?

A Good Weekend

Sometimes I forget how much I enjoy being with friends and family.

On Friday, we went out with Arlene, Loy, Katie, and my mom to Jade Garden to celebrate Chinese New Year. Then, everyone came over for dessert.

On Saturday, we visited the Sacramento museums for "free museum day". Then, we had dinner with Chris, Christine, & family playing Wii, Just Dance.

On Sunday, after church, we visited Mom and Dad Louie, then watched the Superbowl with David and Jo-Ann & family.

I was also please that Philip, with the exception of the museums, hung out with us too.

Always focused on tasks, I need to make more time for these events. I hope I am smart enough to learn this simple truth.

Christmas, Just Dance, and Wrestling

We traveled down to San Diego for Thanksgiving and invaded Caleb's apartment for a few days, when his roommates were on leave. From museums to beaches to exploring the campus, it was a restful break, although hard to sleep on Caleb's living room furniture.

Christmas has come and gone like a blur. It was good to have Caleb home, although we didn't do anything special, other than a day at Discovery Kingdom.

Our family fun is playing Just Dance together. Everyone from Elias to my siblings enjoy the game. This is one of my few activities, the only exercise I get now. MaeMae loves the game and can play for hours. Even Pearl jumps in occasionally.

Wrestling season started. Philip is having a good season. He won a championship and places in practically ever tournament. The Enterprise will feature a human interest story on him.

Pearl's work has been busy, as she is back to full time.

Fall Directions

I get MaeMae and Elias up and ready for school each day. It is a good routine that I am happy to part of. Then, I drive to work, which has been busy lately. For leisure, I watch TV and a weekly football game.

For a short while, I was reading a book about Christian perspectives of Buddhism and Buddhist perceptions of Christianity, although it seems a bit academic for my taste.

I can almost see the day in which Philip will be off to college. Then, we'll have just Elias and MaeMae home--a second round of parenting. Parenting will define my life.

I have been jogging, now that I can't bike to work anymore. For awhile I was more disciplined, but now I'm only jogging (slowly) twice a week.

For some reason my life seems out of rhythm. I can't really describe it. I seem content to be introspective, lost in the technical details of my work. I wonder if this is who I am and I should accept these tendencies or, if I should force myself more into a people oriented role.

I seem to have lost some of the passion for social justice, which seemed, a few years ago, so important to me. While I still hold these values, I seem less incline to be an "activist".