Retirement, Aging, Cohousing, Loneliness

I ponder the next state of life -- retirement and an empty nest.  Even before COVID, I suffered from melancholy feelings, mild anxiety and loneliness. The pandemic further fueled these questions about how to age gracefully. I recall my parents, in-laws, and friends' parents as they aged.  I wonder the best way to live these retirement years. My life has always been about building a career, providing for family, or saving for the future. To be honest, I am tired of responsibility. I question if our culture's "nuclear family" and "capitalism" leads to isolation for older adults in single family homes. Studies show how hard it is to develop new friendships as we get older.

During COVID, I found joy in playing board games, even with people I just met. I like being around people, the background noise of conversation, even if I am quiet by nature.  My new philosophy, which I hope to practice is to play, dance, sing, draw, create, participate -- and not worry about whether I am "good" enough.  

Currently, I am interested in cohousing--intentionally being connected to my neighbors in spaces designed to facilitate community.  The older people (leading the cohousing development) have time to share, whereas younger adults, still raising a family, are often too busy with day-to-day responsibilities. Our culture is immersed in productivity, that we can't simply be together -- as in our youth, I remember my teenage days "hanging out" in the motorhome with Henry and Darryl.  I wonder if co-housing can be like that again--although I know its no panacea.  It is the serendipitous daily encounter with neighbors in shared spaces designed to connect people. Those interested in cohousing seek community. 

Pearl has her reservations. Maybe cohousing can be our second home. Maybe we can split our time between Davis and West Sacramento.  While cohousing need not be permanent, it can be a valuable option that enhance our lives, just as the cabin served its purpose for many years.  

  

    

Careers, Yoga, Meaning

Simple yoga poses even if only for a few moments, help me break out of my mental prisons and focus on the real moment before me as I connect to my breath and body.  

Recently, I finished a video for the CDT on the California State Payroll System.  It seems like I have placed so much energy and belief in this process, yet I question the headaches of moving forward.  Is this a worthy mission?  How do these plans fit into retirement.  My job still occupies a good portion of my identity, whether this is good or bad, I am less sure.  

Existential Angst

I sometimes find it hard to look forward to the future.  Even before COVID, I struggled with finding meaning and joy in everyday events.  The many live music events I enjoyed in town were nothing more than a distraction -- a temporary smile highlighted by acquaintances and a good beer.  Now, socially isolated during a global pandemic, I occasionally enjoy a kava drink or low dose edible -- to escape my existential angst.  I ask... what is the meaning, what is the purpose?   All classic signs of mild depression.  

Sometimes, I can imagine a bright future of retirement, travel, new friendships.  At other times, I am just happy to make it through another day.  

Meditation and the Mind

Nothing has meaning in life, except the meaning we give it....

I've been reading and learning about the mind, specifically, the default mode network (DMN) of our brain and how it activates during our unconscious, wondering mind. It's that feeling when we have been driving on a common road and tune out.  Suddenly, we "wake up" and can't recall the last stretch of miles we just passed.  During this time, we day dream about the future or reminisce about our past. We simulate what if scenarios about our life, decision, goals, and regrets.  This DMN builds our notion of self, reinforcing our belief in ego, by connecting our individualism with our identity over time .  Often the critical voice in our head, which wonders what we could have done better.  Or, the seemingly harmless daydream projecting our desires.

On the other hand, when deeply focused, our brain switches to the Task Positive Network (TPM) which highlights the outside world -- the task before us.  Here we work with our hands or focus our minds.  We are connected to the many sights immediately before us, the background noises that we often dismiss, and the feel of the sunshine on our faces.  Essentially, we are connected to our senses.  Mediation develops TPM as we practice mindfulness by focusing on the breath.  Meditation rebuilds the mind through neural plasticity to strengthen the TPM, which turns off the DMN, as only one network can be active at one time.

I have also been fascinated with Michael Pollan's book, "How to Change Your Mind".  Through this book, I enjoy the stimulus and awakening of my quarter cup of coffee each morning.  At night, I have also tried a mild edible, which, I feel, diminishes my DMN and relaxes my mind.  

I can think of 3 active mental states. The morning coffee when I am writing or coding, focused on the task before me.  The mindful meditation when I focus on my senses and rich happenings before me.  The relaxed state, after an edible, with a deep calmness, when I passively allow life to pass through without trying to hold onto it, as when I grasp it, it slips through my fingers -- similar to the feeling of falling asleep.  

What I seek to avoid are the unnecessary anxiety about the future or regrets of the past. To replace these day dreams with that sense of being connected to people, to this world, and to all living beings.  

Lassen, Chickens, Civil Unrest, and Telephone Buddies

We drove up to Red Bluff to see Lisa, then the next day traveled up to Lassen National Forest for a short hike.   It was a pleasant change of pace.

I'm raising chickens.  There are tiny, but growing fast.

Millions of people have been protesting police brutality, over the death of George Floyd.

I started an Odd Fellows committee to connect people via telephone buddies.  I'm glad that a few people genuinely appreciate these connections.

Almost everyday, often more than once, I bike to downtown Davis and survey the stores and restaurants.  Often, I just buy a soda and sit in Central park.  I admire the families and groups that just hang out and am beginning to see their wisdom.  I'm reading the Path about Chinese philosophers for the modern age.  I'm learning to see the wisdom of ritual.

Mother's Day, Tennis, Backyard Gatherings, and Piano Lessons

We celebrated Mother's Day by biking to and walking the arboretum to downtown Davis, where we enjoyed a drink, before our return trip.  Caleb and Philip bought Nugget sandwiches and KFC, enough for both lunch and dinner.

The void of shelter at home continues... but some of the void has been filled with (1) weekend tennis with cousins; (2) backyard gatherings with extended family; (3) basketball with Eli and another family; and (4) online piano lessons.

Three weekends in a roll, we have driven to Kennedy to play tennis with David Lin, Dave Ching, Elyse, Caleb, Kreston, Aaron, Kayla, and others.

Twice, we have enjoyed our backyard, once with the Lins and another time with the Crockers and Lockes.   I enjoy this family time, just hearing background voices and feeling the acceptance of family.

My remaining time is filled with walking, bike rides, and online piano -- a new adventure the last 3 days.

Birthdays During Pandemics

Birthdays during pandemics are not fun.  At least, Caleb and Philip came home for Elias' Birthday.   It was nice to see them and celebrate.   We got a basketball hoop from our neighbors.  I tend to rest in parks and watch the clouds during shelter at home.

 
Caleb got a tentative offer to  work at CalTrans in their Bridge Engineering Department.   I am happy for him.

I don't know what to make of this crisis.  How will it change me?   It certainly makes me think, what do I want to do the rest of my life, because I am reminded that life is short, time is precious, and things can change quickly. 

Social Distancing in the age of COVID 19

I am overwhelmed with this phenomena -- a public health crisis like nothing I have every imagined.  Just as I was becoming comfortable meeting new people and creating new community, we (as a society) are forced to self isolate.   How long with this last?   

To keep my sanity, I go for walks, ride my bike, or relax at the park or around the fire pit.  I've been working in the yard and meditating at the window or at night, when I can't sleep.

When the weather is nice and I'm working from home, I move out to the backyard.

A simple highlight for today was seeing Cold Shot on Facebook.  Only a few weeks ago, I enjoyed hearing and dancing to this band at the local Davis venues.   So, it brought a smile to my face, when I saw their facebook video of their recent social distancing performance.  I immediately started dancing!   It was the highlight of my day! 

I certainly miss my coworkers, friends, and new friends at the Odd Fellows and meditation center.  I also miss the local music venues, UCD performances, and the local museum exhibits.  I miss driving around and going shopping.

Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel, but for now, I take it one day at a time.

I wonder how this crisis will change societal norms, culture, dreams.   I wonder how this crisis will impact my own worldview of how I want to spend the remainder of my limited days.

Currently, I have been focused on the California State Payroll System.  For a fraction of the cost, I am sure my staff could build this project.   The project keeps my mind busy, or should I say, distracted -- during the crisis.

Prior defining moments of a generation include the Kennedy assassination, the moon landing, breaking down the Berlin wall, and 9/11.   The 9/11 era is over.  Will the great recession of 2008 only be a footnote to the COVID 19 pandemic?   Time will tell.   Until then, I need to make it through one more day...

Odd Fellows

I have always been odd.  Now, it is official.   I am an odd fellow! 

The last few days have been enjoyable.  Seeing a the Bronx Tale with Shirley.  Music venues at Armadillo, Thursday Night Live, Classic Film Festival.  Fireside chats with Men of Flame.  It is nice to go to an event and see familiar faces.  While there are times when I am melancholy, I need to reflect on life's many blessings.  

This past year continues to be a new experience.  On occasion, I feel detached from life.  Although the mild depression has subsided, sometimes, I still feel off, as if life is passing by, without meaning.  I enjoy meeting so many new friends at the Odd Fellows, meditation group, and walking club. I've been practicing mindfulness, savoring joyful moments, and contemplating gratefulness, compassion, and connection. 

I must steady remind myself that life is good, to savor each moment, and be kind and compassionate to all. 

Another Era Ending (AYSO Soccer)

Eighteen or nineteen years ago, I started my career as an AYSO coach, which lead to many memories with each of my children.  The list includes many seasons of Fall, Spring, Select, and Extra.  Most recently, these adventures include Philip as head coach and Eli as sweeper.  Seventeen seasons in all, if one counts Extra as two seasons.   The list includes:


Caleb, U10 Spring (Bullfrogs?)
Philip, U8 Fall  (Orange Crush?)
Caleb and Philip, U12 Select (DWR)
Philip, U12 Fall and Select (UTL Fire Elite)
Caleb and Philip, U14 Fall and Select
Eli, U10 Fall (Golden Strikers)
Mae, U12 Spring
Eli, U12 Fall & Select (Green Machine/ Blizzards)
Eli, U12 Fall & Select (Not Purple / Those Guys)
Eli, U13 Extra (Elite 06 Boys)
Eli, U14 Extra (Elite 06 Boys)


I don't think I could name a favorite moment.  Maybe it was winning Concord Cup in double overtime against a club team -- our first championship, coaching with Sam Brewer.  Maybe it was the championship at Carson City, coaching with Steve Hampton.   Maybe it was Those Guys -- an unbelievable season, where we placed in every tournament, Philip's Head Coach debut.

They are special memories.   But all good things must come to an end...  which may make room for different experiences, new adventures, new challenges.

Pictured above is our 2nd Place Finish at President's Cup.   I hope in what will likely be my final season, we have many more championship matches.   I also look forward to new adventures in my post AYSO coaching career.

Life is a Million Moments -- Experience Each One without Bias or Judgement

While a million moments is only a couple of years, the main idea is to savor and experience each moment, absent the thousands of bias judgements I have compiled over my lifetime.  Instead, each moment is new, unique, precious -- filled with possibilities.   Each new person I meet has the potential to be a lifelong friend, and each conversation, with known acquaintance, can lead to new, deep revelations and connections.

Christmas and New Years

We seek to be a part of a family, club, lodge, fraternity, community -- a place we call home.  While my family has been the central component of my "home", I am at a stage in my life, where want to meet new people and expand this universe, so I have joined the Odd Fellows, a Meditation practice, and a walking club.  I am meeting new people, appreciating the wisdom of age, and exploring new possibilities.   With this post, I share about the Holiday season -- which has come and gone.

Vacation started with a trip to Monterey with Mae and Eli.  Pearl was feeling ill, so she did not attend.  My primary concern was the forecast for rain and the long drive.  But, the trip was a success.  Everyone had a good time.  I particularly enjoyed visiting old restaurants and memories from when we lived in Monterey.   These photos are from Lover's Point and the Pacific Grove, Natural History Museum.

Our tradition of attending Christmas eve service and opening family gifts continued this year.  Pearl made a wonderful dinner and opening gifts was fun.  I remember how special this felt a year ago and wondered, with my mild depression, if I could feel the joy again -- and I did!  The warmth of being with family.

We attended a Kings game the day after Christmas.  Ken and Jeannie's family stayed the night, while some went to the basketball game, others went ice skating, and others heard a presentation by Cornel West.  Jeannie also taught us Ma Jong at Arlene's house.

Pearl and I attended the Odd Fellows New Years Eve party.   As I meet more people, I have seen fellow members at other Davis events.   I particularly enjoyed dancing at Parkside Bar and Lounge on G Street.   The best advice I learned recently is to dance like no one is watching!

One special occasion was lighting a candle at Diana's house in memory of loved ones who had passed on.  I miss Mom and Dad.  

Reunion, Odd Fellows, CoHousing, Las Vegas

I enjoyed my 30 year college reunion.  Seeing my CGA classmates, John Wolf (NAPS), and recently Terry Virts (AFA) was a great joy.   While I can't recapture the past, I can appreciate the time we had together, the bonds we shared, and traditions of the wardroom. 

At this stage of my life, I find myself seeking connection.   Having filled my life with the busyness of accomplishments, I wonder if the practices of modern living have stripped me of the simple joy of meeting new people, serendipitous chats, and friendly conversations. 

In a strange series of events, I had an offer to teach at the Coast Guard Academy; but, after serious consideration, declined.   Perhaps, the appeal of the job was a romantic ideal of reconnecting with my past, as this summer I struggled with mild depression amidst life's uncertainties.  Now, I seek ways of changing my life and creating more avenues to genuinely connect. 

Cohousing has been on my mind and I imagine, not how we live, how we should live together.  Whether it is a romantic dream or a means to build genuine connection, I have been fascinated with cohousing.  I am also pledging to become an Odd Fellow.  Surprisingly, I have found joy in the musical gatherings and club events.  Despite most members being older, I enjoy their company, wisdom, and time for each other. 

Pearl and I had a wonderful trip to Las Vegas, just the two of us.

Vancouver

We had a good time in Vancouver.  Time seemed to pass at a different rate, it all happened so fast.  Each day was so different, and I could not stand still.  After landing in Seattle, we drove up to Bellingham historic district -- haven't been there in 25 years.

 In Vancouver, the Granville Island waterfront was amazing with the shops, parks, city view.

The next day we biked Stanley Island and the city streets.  We saw the totem poles, waterfront, gaslight district, and more.  In the evening, we took the sky train to the city center and walked to English Bay for a giant firework show.

The city closed the streets which make it fun to walk.  Next was Queen Elizabeth park, lunch in Chinatown (Richmond) and a visit to a Buddhist Temple.  On Friday, we did two half day hikes.  First in Deep Cove to the rocks, which were the best views of the water and city skyline in the distance.

Then, a second hike across a suspension bridge with streams and waterfalls.  Eli and I, despite being sore, ventured into the city on our own to explore a few hours and have dinner.

   
On Saturday, we visited the Museum of Vancouver (it was quite good) which had many exhibits and a nice park and beach nearby.  We meet Jill and Jeff in Richmond for dinner then headed to the night markets -- which were filled with people!  We left Vancouver, off to Seattle, on Sunday, where we visited Pike's market, some gardens, and Aliki beach with Ken, Jeannie, Darren, and Julia.  It was busy and full!

Can't Get Past the Summer Blues

I am at a loss, unable to shake the summer blues and this mild sense of despair.  Usually, it is my calm demeanor which anchors my thoughts and outlook on life, but this past week has been confusing, if not alarming.  While only a glimpse, I see how mental health issues can be destabilizing.   I know I need to focus on abundance, gratitude, adventures of life; yet I am plagued with a constant melancholy and lack of interest.  My prescription is to journal, walk, meditate -- the key to recovery is gratitude. 

Today is Mae's birthday.  We'll go out to dinner with Marianne and Thad's family.  Tomorrow is the 4th of July.  We invited my extended family.  

 

Summer Blues, Dillon Beach

I have been exceptionally melancholy the last few days.  Whether a short phase or something much longer, its unclear how I should respond.  I feel as if I can cry at almost anytime, and while it is uncomfortable, at least I know I am alive.  Nothing in particular set if off, however, I have felt overwhelmed with parenthood recently.   Parenthood never seems to end. 

I had a nostalgic time at Rich Mourey's retirement gathering.  I especially liked seeing his Coast Guard housing, similar to housing at the Naval Postgraduate School. 

Our Felton cabin sold.  We moved on our anniversary.  Philip drove the U Hail back, while Pearl and I signed documents at escrow.   We have been seen so many houses in Roseville, Rocklin, Antelope, and West Sacramento -- as an exchange.
 

Our extend family trip to Dillon Beach was nice.  Everyone got along well.   Mae and Elias had a good time.   Caleb, Philip, Sarah, and Chris joined for at least part of the weekend.  I enjoyed the walks on the beach.  Katie and Mae played lots of Ping-Pong.  Pearl, Arlene, and Shirley made puzzles, while everyone watched Women's World Cup soccer.  We celebrated Philip's birthday.

We invited the Toy extended family over for July 4th. 

Melancholy blues ....   the mind is a tangled web.

Selling the Cabin / Easter / Brandon & Lauren Wedding

Today, we put the cabin up for sale.  In a sense, we are selling a dream.  Long ago, we dreamed of a vacation home (a retirement home) that it would instill a family legacy.  But, overtime, it because work -- clearing the gutter, weeding the yard, fixing an old house.  Certainly, it was good and served its purpose.  I have many fond memories of Fall Creek.  While I will miss the house, I know that a"vacation home" (that sense of peace) is not a physical building, but rather a grateful attitude to experience everyday with every breath.

We traveled down to Huntington Beach for Brandon and Lauren's wedding.  It was fun to see everyone and enjoy and weekend.  The weather was great and the ceremony grand.   

We had a nice Easter and all went to church.  It is always a pleasure to have everyone together for a short holiday weekend.   

Costa Rica

An early flight delay resulted in a long wait at the airport and missing the first day of Costa Rica tour.  Yet, despite the poor start, we had a good time in our first major family vacation.  I enjoyed seeing the family together. 

The first day we walked the San Jose downtown.  The next day, we saw a plethora of animals at the rescue center.   Up north, we stayed near the volcano and enjoyed the hot springs and hanging bridges hike. 

On our first river cruise, we made it up to the Nicaragua border.   On the river, we saw many birds, crocodiles and monkeys.

The hanging bridges was a great hike in the rain forest with 6 suspended bridges which shook as we walked across.  It rained, yet was warm.

On the Pacific coast, we stayed at the Marriott Resort.  It was a restful couple of days, with musical bands in the evening and sunset walks in the dry, warm beach.   We swam, played some volley ball and relaxed, before venturing South to a large national park. 

 Our second river cruise took us out near the Pacific ocean.  The trees and greens were lush. 

Finally, we headed south to the national park.  Rod Grossman visited as he was there with this family.  The beach waves were among my fondest memories, riding the waves -- up and down -- with everyone in the warm water.










   

San Francisco

I traveled a day to the big city.   It started with an early bike ride to the train station which took me to Emeryvile, then a bus to SF.  I walked throughout the Financial district, Chinatown, and parts of Nob Hill.   First, the Beat Museum, City Books, Chinese Historical Museum, Ross Alley, Tin How Temple, Cable Car Museum, Grace Cathedral, and WWII Museum.

My favorites where Chinese Historical, Cable Car, and Tin How.  Several of the stops were only a few minutes, but nonetheless interesting. 

The Tin How, the balcony above Chinatown, was very beautiful, although a mere, small hole in the wall. 

I spent the most time at Chinese Historical Museum.  I saw the ID cards that Chinese were required to carry at all times and remember seeing my dad's ID in the safe deposit box, after mom passed away. 

It is something fun to travel alone.  Able to go in any direction, at any time.  I bought a few small Asian figures (small statues). 

By 4pm, I was ready to come home and took the trip home.  All in all, by the time I was home, it was as if it were a regular work day. 

I am certainly fortunate to have this opportunity to retire at age 55.  The question is what to do?  How much does my job define me.  How many other opportunities are there to reinvent myself?   There are so many opportunities, yet I know my skill level is modest.

At work, there is a new Secretary.  There are new ideas and new challenges.

Winter

Christmas and New Years has come and gone.  We celebrated Christmas at JoAnn's (Louies) then Suzanne's (Toys).  We also celebrated New Years Day at Chris and Joe's house.  I enjoyed seeing Joe's workshop and his woodwork.

Our family tradition is attending church on Christmas eve, going out for dinner, then opening family gifts.  I hope we can keep this tradition.

Our only adventure was a day trip to see the Museum of Modern Art in SF.   Eli and I also spend a few hours at the Crocker Art Museum.

Pearl and I, with friends, also enjoyed an Escape Room -- a gift from Caleb and Philip.

We booked a vacation to Costa Rica for Spring Break.

I've been interested in the biography of a couple of hedge fund entrepreneurs.    Their ideas are fascinating.  School has restarted.   I am settling into the rhythm of everyday life, still wondering about retirement.